The applications are rolling in–will I be reading yours?
“I don’t want to become a completely different person in order to become charismatic”
I’ve been fascinated by how many people I’ve heard this from, and it’s one of those VERY sneaky beliefs that a lot of us have about what it means –and what it takes–to become ‘charismatic’.
I remember last year a beta student of mine told me something very interesting. She said that before she ever started working on social skills and confidence that she wondered: “Why would I want to be that kind of charismatic person, anyway?”
What do you think is ACTUALLY going on underneath that statement?
When we think of ‘charisma’, we think of a very certain KIND of person. Someone who is:
→ Talking to everyone all the time
And imagine for someone who is more introverted or on the shy side–that ‘image’ sounds EXHAUSTING, doesn’t it?
Then, there’s this conflict of:
“I would LOVE to be able to connect with and charm anyone. That sounds great!”
But what that person secretly believes is:
“Omg..I don’t want to become THAT kind of person. It sounds exhausting! What if I have too many plans to handle? What if I don’t know what to say? What if people start EXPECTING me to be charismatic and I let them down when the spotlight is on me?” [Code: What if people see who I ‘really’ am and I fail?]
So what do we do?
It is MUCH easier to think: “Well…if THAT’S what being charismatic is like, forget it! I’m safe and cozy where I am.”
Just like the story of the women who wanted to lose weight…but had a sneaky little belief that was preventing her from doing it
I read a book about weight loss last year, and the woman who wrote it talked about how all her clients wanted was to be skinny and look fantastic. They deserved to be in the best shape of their lives!
None of them were losing weight. Either they couldn’t ‘motivate’ themselves, OR they were kind of making progress…but not really. She wondered what the HELL was going on.
Even though these women definitely wanted to lose weight…they also believed that IF they did, they would be what a ‘skinny woman’ is considered to be:
These ‘myths’ are pervasive, and it is downright scary how they can hold us back. The same thing goes for wanting to be rich and make more money. We want it…we really do! But we’re afraid that if we actually WERE rich that we’d be ‘greedy assholes who only care about buying another yacht’.
We are fed messages over and over again that simply aren’t true. But how often do we take the time to question them? As an example, what an eye opener it is to befriend millionaires and billionaires and see that they are the most generous people you’ve ever known. Then you start to see: “Hmm..okay. Maybe this isn’t what I thought it was.”
But it isn’t as ‘simple’ as that either
The question is: How do you CHANGE how you think about having top notch social skills and charisma?
It isn’t JUST about knowing how you’re thinking about it isn’t helpful. You actually have to have a plan of ACTION–one that will move you forward instead of keeping you stuck in the same place you’ve always been.
Which is exactly why having a coach can accelerate you forward faster than you’ve ever thought possible
I’ve worked with many mentors and coaches (like I talked about on Monday). I’ve hired coaches to help me deal with complex, emotional issues. I’ve hired coaches to help me be a better leader. Every phase of my life, I had someone who saw my blindspots (which, by nature, I can’t see on my own) and point the path forward.
Because if you’re anything like me, if someone tells me what to do, why it works, and actually talks to me about how to use my own personality as an ADVANTAGE…I will hat tip the rest of the world and head off to the stratosphere on a rocketship. I am unstoppable.
Because here’s the good news: You can be the most confident, charismatic person you’ve ever known and still be WHO YOU ARE
I’ve worked with many clients who describe themselves as being introverted, or even shy and quiet, and I’ve shown them how they can use that to their advantage.
Case in point:
I spent the last weekend in Lake Tahoe and met our friend’s new girlfriend. She’s soft-spoken, definitely on the quiet side…but she is charismatic.
HOW you ask?
Because when she’s ‘quiet’—I can tell that she’s completely comfortable with herself. It is not an ‘awkward’ quiet where one person is starting to hum, or says ‘sooo…yeah’ a million times, or tries to fill the silence with filler. In fact, both of us sat on the beach together in complete silence and it was wonderful. We had plenty to talk about, but we chose to be quiet instead.
Isn’t that fascinating to see a different model of charisma and how it can work for you?
She uses what I call the ‘Onion Technique’, where you exude intrigue and mystery and people want to know more about you. That’s exactly how I felt around her. The best part was that it wasn’t some ‘forced’ technique. That was who she was.
Being ‘charismatic’ doesn’t mean being ‘chatty’ or ‘nice’. It means knowing how to make people feel incredible around you. THAT’S charisma. And it doesn’t matter HOW you do it, as long as you get the end result which can show up in so many different ways:
→ Friends and strangers saying: “Who ARE you? I can’t wait to see you again”
→ Clients saying: “I can’t wait to work with you”
→ Coworkers saying: “I just love working with him. He inspires me to do more and be better”
→ Boss saying: “You’ve done incredible work” and he gives you a 15% raise
Especially if you’re working on starting a business, or moving into a more managerial and ‘people’ role at work (vs. a technical one) communication and social skills matter THE MOST. Don’t get caught up in the mindset that your ‘brilliance’ and ‘genius’ will override people’s impressions of you.
Just like a guy I know who works in consulting who got cherry-picked for a high profile project. It wasn’t because he was ‘better’ than his co-workers. It was because the guy who picked him had taken him under his wing…LIKED him more than other people…and wants to see him be successful. Hence, this guy gets ‘first dibs’ on the best projects and NO ONE HAS A CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON!
They might wonder: “Hm, that sounds like a cool project I’d like to be on” but not know it’s already been taken by the guy who knew how to get ahead the ‘right’ way. He just built a relationship. That’s it! No aggressive, weird, jerky, slimy, manipulating tactics. He built a real, personal relationship with someone who now feels emotionally connected to him and wants to make sure he’s successful. That’s how this ‘world’ works.
The Applications for ‘Irresistible’ Are Rolling In–Will I Be Reading Yours?
Because how would it FEEL…to do THIS?
“It would feel incredible to live every interaction of every day as myself and not feel like I am putting a face on or having to make an effort to behave a certain way in order to look normal, approachable and fun.”
And how would it feel…to do THIS?
“If my challenges were solved I would feel empowered to help others overcome the same obstacles that I have defeated. So many things things that were out of reach would now be within my capabilities: the ability to instantly build deep connections with people and maintain genuine relationships, amazing relationships with them no matter their status, and the ability to inspire everyone I meet. “
There is so much more to life than worrying about what other people think. If I had stayed stuck in that mindset years ago, there is NO WAY I’d be where I’m at right now. I would have let other people dictate my life, my decisions, and where I ended up.
I would have just done what everyone on Long Island does…working at home during the summer and staying there forever. Instead, I convinced my mom to let me go and pursue my dream to live in LA (and now SF)
I would have just listened to all the bad advice and weird looks I got when I first was in my long distance relationship–”you’re crazy” “there’s no way it’s going to work–instead I mastered what it takes to have an amazing relationship and am getting married in less than a year to the love of my life.
…I would have just stayed at my agency job in San Francisco if I didn’t believe that even though I had nothing to sell…no connections…and no one to help me that the ONE thing I had going for me was being incredible with people and THAT’S what helped me make the jump to start my own business and be where I am today.
And the only step I ask YOU to take–if you’re serious–is to apply today. It doesn’t mean we’ll work together. But that one first step–if we ARE the right fit–could change the course of your life.
“I always had this nagging fear that people don’t like me. Sure, I had my friends and family, but I felt like a failure if I started a new job, went to a class, or joined a meetup and didn’t walk away wowing everyone and instantly BFFs with everyone I met. It always seemed like other people make friends easier, so I’ve been walking around all my life thinking something is wrong with me.
Reading Felicia’s blog, taking her Be Magnetic course, and getting just 1 hour of coaching completely changed how I think about my interactions with people. Instead of constantly going into social situations worrying if other people like me, I walk in focused on whether I like them. Once I stopped trying to bend over backwards to be the nicest person they’ve ever met, people actually started to approach me more. I even get people telling me I look like a model or if they can take pictures of me so they can have my hairstyle! I no longer feel like I have to be liked by everyone OR like everyone I meet – I can CHOOSE who I like and want to talk to.
Not only does this change my social interactions, this also helps me live a cleaner life aligned with my intuition and desires. Felicia has taught me to value myself in a way no one else teaches. A lot of social skills articles and even coaches come from a place where they criticize and shame you for being awkward or needy, and then try to get you to attain some image of perfection no one could realistically maintain. Felicia comes from a place of compassion and a strong belief that you really are enough, and her techniques are extremely simple (most take 5 minutes or less to do!) yet long-lasting in their effects” —Jen L.
Look forward to reading!