“Why Does My Mind Stop And Deter Me So Much?”
“Fel is the coach I was bragging to you about at drinks tonight. She’s uniquely equipped to help women leaders and business owners out of the emotional muck that we get stuck in on our way to taking over the world.
The thing to know about Fel is that she’s the real deal. She has different ears then the rest of us. She hears what you mean, not just what you’re saying. If there’s anyone who can help you with your current situation, it’s Fel.
Fel, you are the person who can help this woman break through the barriers and run the kind of business and life she knows she’s capable of.”
—An email sent by a former client, to someone to later became a client
Have you ever felt like even though you were on ‘success on paper’, you felt like a fraud on the inside?
You lie in bed at night and think about all you’ve done and accomplished, and yet you have this feeling that it’s all going to fall out from beneath you. The curtain will go up, and everyone will see you for the fake act you’ve put on all these years.
Why can’t you feel as confident as other people see you?
You “know” you have the skills…one of my clients was a partner at a law firm.
You “know” you have what it takes…one of my clients was a sales director and was not shy of working hard and putting in effort.
And you “know” you’re great to be around…one of my clients who works in management consulting was adored by everyone she worked with
…you do not ‘feel’ it.
You feel like somehow, you got high up the ranks through ‘luck’
You feel like somehow, despite your effort, you don’t ‘deserve’ to be where you are (and so you keep working harder, leading to burn out)
And you feel like somehow…”do people REALLY like me?” because you suddenly freeze up, get self-conscious, and don’t feel confident all the time when you talk with people.
Let’s stop right there.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
We have been taught that deep fulfillment and accomplishment means going 100 miles an hour until we finally feel worthy.
And even if you KNOW that’s not the best way…
…what other choice do you have?
It’s not like there are a lot of people around you who are showing you another way.
But believing that “more, more, more” is going to be what finally gives you the confidence you crave, and a mind that supports everything you do, will only result in constant fear of failure and self-criticism. Self-attack is more like it.
Here’s the good news:
- You do NOT have to be constantly afraid of failure…I can show you how to love learning so ‘failure’ becomes a delight and success becomes inevitable (You know how you always say: “Ugh, I know exactly what to do…but I’m just not doing it!” and so you distract yourself with what doesn’t matter? Yeah. That won’t happen again.)
- You do NOT need to have a lack of energy…I can show you how to have boundless energy every day despite demands on your time (and even if you’ve had kids. I work with moms all the time)
- You do NOT need to be drowning in people’s demands on your time…I can show you how to prioritize what to say ‘NO’ to (and say ‘no’ in a way that gets you respect and not resentment) and free up time in your day to focus on what’s most important to you
- You do NOT need to feel self-conscious and unworthy…I can show you how to build confidence that lasts and know exactly how to work through what holds you back
And if you consider yourself an executive, in upper management, or a business owner, then you KNOW that it’s your mental game that’s going help you and your career soar–not another class on learning a new skill.
Now, do you have other options than deciding to work with a coach? Of course.
-Talk with your mentors more…but they’ll only respond if you reach out. They won’t be engaged in constant conversations with you and really know what you’re going through
-Take a leadership training program…which usually last for only a day, or a few days. Everything feels great in the beginning, but then you go right back to what you were doing before and all that time and money feels like a waste. I make sure my clients change over the long-term.
-Read books and do it yourself…but, can we be honest for a second? My clients work 12+ hour days. You’re busy. How many books do you deeply read and apply? When it comes down to doing more work to help your team or reading a book, which are you obligated to choose? Don’t you just want to sit and relax for a second instead of trying to stuff your brain with more information?
And if you DO choose to read…what will you apply? And what books will you read? How do you know which are right for your situation? What if you’re SCARED to apply it and you never do?
Because if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that my clients want someone REAL to talk to. Someone who gets you, and can help you work through your challenges no matter what comes up. And because of this, my clients feel results throughout our entire engagement–not just once.
A couple of texts from clients
In fact, here’s a few reasons why my clients decided to invest in themselves:
“I decided to invest in myself because I am feeling both burned out and more inspired than ever. At this point in my life, I am finding so much that moves me and inspires me to create and work harder every day, but I’m having a very very hard time balancing my passions and new ideas with the amount of work I need to do. I need help with my management and leadership strategies, and I also am seeking to improve my self-assumed responsibilities and expectations. I am only nervous because I can sometimes struggle to open up to others, but I’m extremely excited to get started and to learn new strategies for taking care of myself while also fulfilling my creative responsibilities.” – Sarah M., Lead Teacher
“It has become really apparent to me that life isn’t slowing down, but I feel like I’m always busy with stuff that doesn’t light me up. When I’m busy with things I don’t want to be doing, I procrastinate more by doing meaningless crap, which means I have no time left to do the things I’m really passionate about or the things that light me up and make me feel like ‘me’. I’m afraid that if I don’t learn how to change my behaviour, life will go by and I will have wasted it on ‘work’ and have loads of regret about not spending enough time on family, friends and relationships and the things I’m passionate about.
I’m excited about learning how to get back in control of my time, to make space for the good stuff and feel like myself again. I’m excited about having someone to talk to who isn’t “inside” it all, but who gets it. I’m excited about the possibility of change because the path that I’m currently walking is making me feel uneasy, out of control, unhappy & stressed. So, I’m excited about cutting a new path back to happiness, to that quiet sense of knowing and to feeling like the growth and change is leading me towards the things I want.” – Dyani S., Design Manager
“This seemed like a perfect opportunity to really engage with my long term goals on productivity and level up on doing the right things instead of just trying to do all the things. Based on working with you in the C10X course and our calls in the past I know you have always asked questions that have been challenging and accessible and I always get more than I expect. I am nervous because I expect that some of this work will be very hard, and that I will be pushing pretty deeply into some of my long term misconceptions about myself and where I fit into this life.
I expect that you’ll be asking me to get outside my comfort zone – perhaps way outside – and I’m afraid of being that vulnerable as much as I’m eager to get out there too. I’m excited because since deciding to do this, a new opportunity has come up at work that is going to push me way outside my comfort zone already (potentially switching from being a software developer to being a project manager) so this is just the perfect time to have someone in my corner working with me to bring out the best in myself.” – Melissa M., Engineer and Manager
Now, I know when you think about hiring a coach–especially if you haven’t worked with one before–it can be tough.
Maybe you’ve already talked with coaches who tried to sell you too soon. Maybe you already worked with a coach and you didn’t have a great experience. Maybe you just have no idea what to expect and decide to try therapy instead (but how many years of just having someone empathize with you without helping you change or improve can you take?).
This is why I always talk with potential clients first to see if we’re a good fit, and give you a great idea of what our work would be like together. So instead of a coach just telling you how ‘amazing’ it will be without really telling you ‘how’, you’ll leave our call with both insights and action steps–even if we never work together.
And working with me is simple:
- Our partnership is highly customized to your needs, and you have unlimited access to me for extra calls, advice, and feedback. This is all included in your investment.
- We decide together what the 3-4 key areas of focus will be (keeping in mind that this *always* changes once we start working together. You’re not locked into a rigid ‘we must focus on this because we agreed to it”. We adapt, and we adjust.)
- We agree on what success looks like so you can apply everything you learn. Each time we talk you’ll find yourself thinking about things differently, and then doing things differently. It’s very exciting to experience this week after week.
If you’re interested in having a conversation to talk more about your challenges and how you want to improve, here’s what to do:
1) Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line ‘Business Coaching’
2) Tell me about what challenges you’re having right now, and what you feel your 3 top priorities to focus on to improve are
3) If I feel we could be a fit, we’ll set up a time to talk on the phone. During that conversation, we’ll get to know each other and discuss exactly what our partnership would look like. (Note: I currently have a waiting list. If you email me and I don’t have availability right now, I’ll add you to my list so we can talk when space opens up)
In the meantime, read the case studies below to get a sense for exactly what kind of results you can expect from working with me:
“Felicia (Fel) made such a difference in my work life that I actually expanded my engagement with her to work on improving communication in my personal life as well!
I reached out to Fel for help when I felt myself stagnating in my career. I’d been noticing that in order to be taken seriously, I’d need to have a male co-worker with me in meetings that would agree with me, among other things. Additionally, I noticed that my management skills were not where I needed them to be in order to advance and have an effective engagement with my team. Working with her helped me to not only achieve these goals but surpass them.
Some specific examples:
- I’ve learned how to build relationships with my team members to such a level that several of them have been asked to take another project and they decided to stay on my team instead. Our current project is a doozy too… the kind most people tend to jump ship from when given the opportunity.
- I’ve learned how to communicate more effectively in writing to gain the following:
efficient delegation of tasks while avoiding the dreaded back and forth emails to provide further clarification
full understanding and engagement on topics from both my team and my clients
gain necessary approvals from upper management without additional meetings to discuss items further
- I’ve learned how to speak confidently on topics that I’m an expert in so that people will listen
Perhaps even more important, I’ve learned how to speak confidently in areas where I’m not an expert and not lose credibility
- I’ve learned how to handle difficult conversations without losing myself to emotion in the moment. Most important of all, I’ve learned how to set boundaries and say “no”
I won’t sugar coat the work that went into the above plus everything else I worked with her on. It definitely took some effort but the best part of working with Fel is that she made everything super easy to digest and fit into my already ridiculously full life. It never felt like “one more thing” I had to do, it was always a part of something I was already doing, I just learned how to do it better/differently.” – Erica R., Consultant, Denver
“Fel is awesome and very fun to work with. She is very insightful and she’s not going to give you the answers. She is going to help you find a framework and tools that work for you, so you can find the answers yourself. Eventually, you won’t have her to lean on and you need to be able to act independently.
I have a toddler and work full time; which means I’m always busy doing something for someone. Before working with Fel, I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing all of my personal goals. I felt bad about not getting to some of my side projects and just thought that I needed to find a way to work harder.
After working with Fel, my mindset is completely different. I’m not looking for ways to cram more into my day. I’m making sure that I’m taken care of first, so I can do my best for my family and while at work. If I’m exhausted, then I can’t do what I love which is take care of the people that I care about.
We worked through a few different frameworks together to help me prioritize tasks, celebrate the small wins, and understand that it’s not the end of the world when things don’t get done. It’s ok to ask for help and delegate in order to stay focused on what’s important to you.
What was most surprising about our work together was how much she understood what I was going through even though she has not personally experienced it. She was able to help me clarify my why on a few of my side projects and all of a sudden they all made sense. I stopped beating myself up about not getting to all of them because each of them was pushing me towards the same goal.
I have learned a lot from Fel, but the best way to ensure that you learn the most is to leave and try on your own. Once I feel more confident in these skills, I will definitely be coming back for more coaching from Fel. If you want someone who is going to give you the answers, then Fel is not the right coach for you. If you are looking for someone to push you and help you understand what motivates you; then sign up right away! Don’t miss your chance.” –Valerie Jones-Harvey, Sales Director, San Francisco
Interview With My Former Client, Kelly Foster, About Our Work Together
What were you like before we started working together?
Right before we began working together, I had just been through one of the most difficult 2.5 years of my life. I had made partner at my law firm while I was pregnant (and the pregnancy was the anti-glowy kind. It was the morning-sickness all day, every day up-to-the-final push-during-24-hours-of -labor kind of pregnancy). My nearly 10-year marriage became strained during my last trimester, and quickly became my worst nightmare in the months after I had my baby. I became a single working mom with a 9 month old baby in what seemed like an overnight period. I was working and parenting, but in pure crisis-management mode. I began seeing a therapist who helped me immensely, such that I was able to work through my grief and all the complicated emotions that are part of grieving. Finally, slowly, I began to gain traction. Work interested me again. I was better able to manage my guilt about working long hours and and leaving my baby in a nanny’s care. Developing friendships became a possibility again as I had more emotional resources. Setting goals became an activity I actually could engage in again. It was during this slow but steady crawl out of my pit of despair and into the sunlight of new possibility that I came across your website. I joined the email list, and when the application to work one-on-one arrived, in a fit of inspiration I went for it.
Why did you decide to invest in yourself?
I decided to invest in myself because I had faith gained from my past efforts that, if I had the right guide and put in the work, I would see the results I was yearning for. I knew I was finally at a place where I was ready to tackle some deeper issues, gain some deeper self-knowledge, and learn more skills to help me a) avoid repeating past mistakes, and b) progress in my self-knowledge and self-mastery.
I decided that you were the right guide for this endeavor based on how your writing connected with me, how I felt while I was filling out the application – responding to the questions you asked and marveling at the deeply honest answers that those questions drew out of me – and then based on our preliminary interview. I felt a connection, and I sensed deep competency. Those two things made me decide to trust. And I’m glad I did.
How would you describe yourself now after we’ve worked together? (What’s different than before?)
I am much more confident that I have some powerful tools, that really work for me, to help me in the areas of my inner life that are of most importance to me right now. These tools have helped me gain a deeper understanding of myself – things that drive me and things that hold me back, for example. It is an invaluable confidence builder to have a deep knowledge that if something is bothering me, I have the skills to get to the bottom of the issue and even make the issue work to my advantage. I’d also say that I am less fearful about some emotional unknowns, again because you taught me some ways – importantly, that really work for me – to sort through my feelings and inner dialogues. Finally, I am more compassionate toward myself. I have miles to go in this area, as this was and is a deeply entrenched thing with me – to be a hard-ass toward myself. But during our work together I first marveled at the possibility of more kindness and understanding toward myself when you showed me my thought patterns, and then cried at the relief of experiencing it when you showed me what different thought patterns might do for me. In sum, you left me better than you found me!
What was the most surprising about our work together?
The depths where we went. I went into our work together thinking that this would be more like a business-coaching experience, and I even voiced my concern during our preliminary interview that I wasn’t sure where the exact line was between what I was signing up for and the therapy that I was used to doing with an actual therapist. I was afraid of still being too broken. I was afraid that business-coaching would be too superficial an exercise when I had just come through such turmoil in my personal life and was still recovering. Well, we went hella-deeper than business coaching, but once we got started I never once felt self-conscious about the depths of my needs. You met me exactly where I was, made me feel safe, and then encouraged, and then excited, and I never looked back. In my gut, at a subconscious level, I believe I knew what I needed and that you were going to be able to help me at that level, even if I could not express it verbally. This is something you taught me to trust in our work together: that inner voice that knows and can tell me when I have a deep need and, if I will listen, can tell me that I am doing the very thing to meet that need.” –Kelly Foster, Lawyer, Texas
Felicia has been featured in Fox 5 News, Fast Company, Inc. Magazine, Business Insider, The Huffington Post, Ramit Sethi’s I Will Teach You To Be Rich and many more. She’s also spoken at startups like 15five, huge events like Women in Tech Festival, and at elite membership groups like The Club of Silicon Valley on personal branding, storytelling, and presentation skills.
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