Beautiful Women: What If You Feel Like All People Want to Do Is Tear You Down?
I remember when I was younger I was at a communion party for my cousin.
I was getting up from the table to head to the bathroom, and my grandmother looked at me and said in front of everyone that was sitting with us: “Felicia, you’re getting chunky.”
Which was interesting, considering I weighed 97 pounds at the time. You can imagine how confusing that was for me.
And all throughout my life I experienced this from women–these sly, backhanded comments. I saw them get angry when I looked ‘too good’, upset if I was ‘too happy’, and even upset when I was able to stick to eating healthy, and they couldn’t.
The problem was I had no idea how to handle it. And how are you supposed to, when you don’t have any women in your life who show you how?
But here’s the other side of that…
I had built up such a hostility towards women–thinking that all they DID want to do was tear each other down and cat claw for a prize–that’s exactly what I ended up attracting. It’s this vicious cycle of wanting to trust someone but already having reservations about them…then they do something that confirms your assumptions about them…then you end up disliking them but feeling bad about it at the same time (thinking not EVERYONE can be like this)…and so you start the cycle again.
And what I started to become fascinated with is WHY I felt this way and WHY women do this to each other in the first place.
Because being ‘Instantly Irresistible’ is never about tearing someone else down–it’s about being so confident in yourself that even if you come across another beautiful woman who is basically taking over the world you can’t help but love her, be proud of her, and want her to be even more successful than she already is.
So what’s missing?
Well…if anyone starts tearing you down it’s because they’re jealous. And when people are jealous, a part of them believes that you somehow are taking something from them. Which could be attention, influence, power, opportunities, resources, or men (or other women).
So the answer isn’t to condemn the world for making women this way, nor is it to go and be a feminist, and nor is it to rebel against your culture, or your society. If we’re all being honest–and I know we all have grand ambitions–it’s unlikely you are going to change how the world thinks about women in the next 7 days.
So where better place to start than with yourself?
Because if we’re being MORE honest–and I’m yet to let an elephant in the room go unnoticed–we have ALL done this at one point or another in our lives.
We’ve all looked at another beautiful woman and thought: “What a bitch.” or “What a snob” or “She just wants attention” or “She’s so selfish”. (Guys, I know you’ve done it, too)
Even if we’ve never spoken a word to her!
And because we’re so concerned with what we’re ‘losing’ by her even being around, we forget that she, too, is a person. That she has insecurities. That she doesn’t have all of her shit together. That she may need more compassion and love than any of us.
But we only resort to finding flaws so that we ‘feel better’ about ourselves. “Oh, she’s beautiful, but she’s not married. What’s wrong with her?” or “I’ve worked so hard to get ‘here’, but since she’s just skated by, she doesn’t know what it feels like to work for something”
Pop Quiz: Are we children, or are we mature adults?
If you answered children, I’m high-fiving you and saying ‘BINGO’ from my chair.
And as long as we act like children around not only other women–but other people who ‘seem’ to have everything they want, who seem to have it all together–we’re never going to learn! We fall in love with our judgments and we sit with them like a security blanket. It’s time to get your ass off the couch and admit that you may be wrong about certain things and perhaps you can actually learn from someone else–even if they intimidate you.
So now, to the Million Dollar Question: What do you DO if you are a beautiful woman and people DO tear you down? (Because they’ll try to). What if they DO tell you to ‘tone it down’, and not steal the show? What if they can’t help but give you backhand comments, one after another, like a furious ping pong ball?
Here’s a few options:
A) Tell the other person how ridiculous and stupid they are and that they should go to hell or another fiery place
B) Throw a fit and claw their eyes out. Rowr.
C) Try to argue with them with logic so you can prove to them how ridiculous and hurtful they’re being
D) Know that they need just as much love and compassion as you do. And that you don’t need to tolerate them, but you don’t have to take it personally, either. You can actually smile, knowing that you were there once, too. And you can smile, knowing that now have power over the situation–not them.
I’ll let you decide. But let me also give you the Catch-22.
This is SO HARD to do.
As I tell all of my students and every one of my readers, anything I tell you to try out, practice, or do–don’t expect overnight miracles. In fact, expect to feel even MORE frustrated or annoyed or like you want to beg me to tell you that you don’t need to go out and practice something anymore. Because if you really want not only the results—but to actually BELIEVE that you feel differently in these situations–then you need to do it over and over and over.
Because a lot of people read a post like this and go: “BOOM! Problem solved for eternity”. But that’s like the Giants winning the World Series and thinking: “Ta-fucking-da. We shall never lose a baseball game again.”
All great players know that they actually need to put it even more effort and practice to stay consistently at the top level. And when it comes to changing your own beliefs about something–hell, I’d say that’s twice as hard. But certainly not impossible.
So why am I even talking about this in the first place?
Because Instant Irresistibility is also about power and influence. It’s about getting what you want, especially out of your relationships.
But it’s really hard to have great relationships–and make new friends, and date new people, and form powerful connections–if you come to the table dissing that guy for acting like a ‘jock’, thinking that beautiful girl is just another snob, or that anyone who even just a little bit fits in with your beliefs you decide to write them off.
And just as Freud pointed out so many years ago, no matter what you try to do to ‘hide’ how you really feel, it will still come gushing like water right out of your pores. Just like people sniff out fear, they can sniff out your judgments. And if we’re all being honest with each other, no one likes to be friends with someone like that.
So instead of thinking: “UGH. That person just rubs me the wrong way”, cease to be satisfied with a surface-level thought like that. WHY do you feel that way? What is it about that person you don’t like? I don’t care what the answer is–just think about it!
But you want to know something? I doubt a good percentage of you will think about it. You know why? Because it takes a ton of mental energy, AND it actually means you need to re-evaluate yourself. This reminds me of a Carl Jung quote, which said: “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.”
It’s why so many people have ‘Squirrel mentality’. And it’s why you (or someone else) may continue to believe that all people want to do is tear you down, or that beautiful women are selfish bitches, or that a good-looking guy doesn’t have a soul.
Like I mentioned, no one’s perfect. We have ALL been there, myself included. And it still happens! So again–no Miracle Grow here I’m promising.
BUT–there is something you can do right now. Actually, there’s 3:
1) If you’ve ever been subject to other people feeling jealous of you, saying backhanded comments or trying to tear you down in any way–see if you can’t try to understand that person and how awful they must feel inside. (Hint: People who try to make you feel awful, feel doubly awful about themselves)
2) If YOU’VE ever been one to tear someone else down or feel jealous of them (not envious, but jealous. Like you want them to go away, or you felt like they were stealing something from you)–try to understand WHY you did it in the first place. What were you insecure about? What were you afraid of losing? Why did you judge them so quickly–what influenced that?
3) If you are a beautiful woman who has felt all of the above before, and consider yourself to be ambitious, curious, successful and wanting to do even more amazing things–I want you to email me, because I have a few questions to ask you for a special project that’s in an early beta stage right now. Put in the subject line: “BWP” and in the email: “I’d love to talk”. Especially if you loved this post and even this post that I didn’t write–it’s a hint of what may come. 😉