How to crack the dating code

For the past month, we’ve all been talking about some pretty interesting ways to be more ‘playful’ and why taking the time to play even matters at all.

So many of us are caught up in feeling ‘too serious’ and that play is irresponsible, pointless, and distracts from work aka ‘things that matter’.

I also heard a lot of you say why else you’d at least consider the idea of play, and you were interested in how to use play in dating, or even get closer with the current person you’re with.

Per usual, when it comes to dating, I have a very different philosophy of it and relationships in general. As I looked deeper into it, I was flabbergasted (come on, how fun of a word is that) by the amount of dating advice that is both pure awful, and some that is actually quite good.

Here’s what I saw that was our favorite “Vague Advice from Hell”:

–> You need to tap into your “feminine energy”
–> Tap into the energy of the ‘masculine’
–> You suck at dating because your parents sucked at dating and relationships
–> Just ‘be cool’
–> The right person will come to ME at the right time
–> Play 678 games to get the other person to do what you want

Blargh. First of all, can anyone tell me, concretely, what tapping into your feminine energy actually looks like? Does being masculine mean growing extra hair and adopting the GTL lifestyle? I know what these people are ‘trying’ to say, but it’s misleading and not useful for people who really want to improve this area of their lives.

Second, anyone who tells you that your relationships are messed up because of your parents isn’t looking at the whole picture. Both of my parents have gotten divorced 3+ times and I would say have been through the ringer when it comes to relationships, but that was actually an education for me to know what NOT to do. Everyone learns differently, and we can’t blame every single thing on our past. It’s just a useful tool for understanding why you do what you do now.

Third, thinking that the right person will prance up your driveway is not *entirely* misguided, but also doesn’t look at the whole picture. For me, I certainly did meet the right person when I wasn’t expecting it, but that was based on the fact that I was already social and put myself in situations where it was likely I WOULD meet the right person.

Onto the better advice that actually has merit:

–> Don’t try to be cool. Value yourself and express your needs and wants. I believe in this 100%, because you MUST teach people how to treat you. If you’re always like: “Oh, that’s fine” or “Oh, I’m okay” when you’re actually upset or angry, your partner will not value you because you’re not valuing your own feelings. My only problem with this advice is that people need to see what this actually looks like in action to understand it.

–> Quality attracts Quality. If you live by your values and know what you want, it is likely you’ll know how to filter out who isn’t a fit for you and find the right person who is. This is only possible when you have a strong foundation of confidence and self-respect, know how to express what you want, and be clear about what you will or will not tolerate. I believe this is one of the best ways to attract an incredible partner, but it has to be broken down so you can actually see it and practice it.

–> My friend Sarah Jones at Introverted Alpha gives great dating advice, too.

Here’s what I believe about dating and relationships, and how I want to help you:

I truly believe that if you’re not experiencing love, you are not experiencing all that life has to offer. I am pretty sure a good amount of people will disagree with me on this, but I know what both sides of the coin look like and I prefer a relationship 100%.

Here’s why:

I believe relationships are about ‘freedom’. And what I mean by that is if you’ve ever been in a relationship and felt held back or like you couldn’t ‘be you’, that’s not what a relationship is for. A relationship helps you become who you never knew you could be without the other person. Your partner lets you be free to find out who you are and discover life. My partner has changed me in ways I cannot begin to express, and I wouldn’t be here without his support, period.

“Fel, you sure are floofy and romantic today”

I am! Because it’s so easy to think: “I can do life by myself” and “I don’t NEED someone”. Of course you don’t “need” someone to “complete” you. But don’t you want your #1 choice to share your life with?

Relationships are about GROWTH, and that’s why I’m so passionate about charisma and social skills. You master those, and you can cherry pick the person you know is right for you and your life is changed in a way that is better than you could have ever imagined.

How I want to help you today

The first step to cracking the ‘dating code’ is to get extremely comfortable talking to people, in a way that’s right for you, and even if you feel introverted and shy. In fact,[ I wrote an article for you ]<– Click there!–about how you can be a charming introvert that can help get you started and practicing today.

Then, I want to hear from you: What would it mean if you were able to be with your #1 choice? Who is that person? What would you love to see me write more about to help you find them?

Reply back and let me know!

Fel

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